Cry It Out

Today I did something I thought I'd never do... I let Oliver cry it out. For the past 3 months, he's been waking up at night. Usually just once for a feeding, but sometimes twice. And once in awhile, like the past 2 nights, he's up every 2 hours. I've read practically every book there is on sleep, and they all say something different. Some doctors say 6 month old babies don't need food at night, and should be sleeping 8-12 hours uninterrupted. Others say they are being trained to feel hungry by middle of the night feedings and should be weaned from it. Another doctor says what I'm inclined to believe, that every baby is different and if they're acting hungry, they probably are. It all comes down to what we as parents believe our child needs, and what do we want to do about it? Oliver is such a happy baby, so when he cries I feel like he really needs something. Maybe he's scared, his gums hurt, or didn't have enough snuggles during the day and just wants to be held. Maybe Oliver doesn't NEED to eat in the middle of the night (like I didn't NEED to eat that mini cupcake at 3am. Don't judge me.) but if he's crying and won't stop, maybe he is truly hungry. Whatever it is, all I know is that I have a very hard time laying in bed listening to my baby cry. The Cry It Out method basically tells you to let your child cry so they learn to put themselves to sleep. You have to let them cry so they understand they don't need your help to fall asleep. You're allowed to comfort them every 5-10 minutes but you're not supposed to pick them up, just pat their belly and say you love them. The thing is, Oliver knows how to put himself to sleep, since we always put him in his crib awake at night and after feedings. So the few times we've attempted to let him cry, we'll go in there to rub his belly and he cries even harder. It's like he's begging us to please pick him up. And because he has us wrapped around his miniature finger, we do.

But today, after he refused to nap once again, I realized something needs to change. Even though I'm not convinced crying it out is the best solution, I felt it was time to at least give it a try. I took him on a nice long walk, and he was visibly tired when we got home. I fed him, rocked him and sang a few songs. I told him I loved him, gave the biggest hug I could, and set him in his crib. He rolled around a bit like he usually does, and then started squawking. The squawks got louder... And then turned to cries... And then SCREAMS. I gave it 10 minutes– the LONGEST 10 minutes of my life– and then went in to the room and rubbed his belly. He looked up at me with the biggest, saddest eyes ever (he looks EXACTLY like John when he does that) and reached out for me. Well, I think he was trying to grab my hair since it was swinging in his face as I bent over the crib, but still. He wanted me to pick him up, like I always do. Instead, I gave him his pacifier, and walked out of his room. First, silence– and then, screaming. I could just hear him thinking, "Wait, what the– Where is mommy?? OHMYGOD– She left me!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Another 10 minutes of the saddest sounds I've ever heard, and I went in again to reassure him. I rubbed his little belly and he once again reached out for me, and wrapped his tiny legs around my arm, begging me to please stay. I left, and again more crying. 10 more minutes and I went in and he had wrapped his legs around the crib bumper, like he was desperate and needed to hold on to something. Broke my heart. To make it all worse, he looks absolutely adorable in this little onesie that says, "Mommy Loves Me." ::slams head against desk::

So, for ONE WHOLE EFFING HOUR, Oliver cried and I reassured him every 10 minutes (sometimes 5 because I was dying inside and couldn't wait any longer). I kept telling myself that I had to ride this out, and couldn't rock him to sleep right now because I would screw the whole thing up. I had to be consistent, for his sake. I did pick him up twice, but just for a minute (like one book said to do). FINALLY, there was silence. Oliver fell asleep. Well, he cried himself to sleep. What kind of mother does this to her baby?! I know, I know– it's OK, it's normal, it's probably the "right" thing to do. But my God, how can it be right if it seems like I'm torturing my sweet baby? I guess the good thing is that it *DID* work– he fell asleep, and has been sleeping for an hour and a half. He's woken up twice crying softly, and within a minute he was back asleep, all on his own. Right now in this moment, I feel defeated and totally sad. But if this works– and actually gets easier and the crying lessens like everyone says it will– then I'm sure I'll eventually be happy that I gave it a try. But for now, I'll just wait until he wakes up and then cuddle and squeeze him and hope he forgets how much his mom sucks for letting him cry.